Emotional Torment

It's Christmas time.  It's a time for family, food, and all things holiday oriented.  That includes advent calendars.  Hannah has a couple.  One filled with chocolates that she will not share, the other filled with Legos...a Lego chain saw, a Lego tree and so on.  Who knows what will come out of the box by December 25th.  Steph and I have one, too.  It is a couples advent calendar from North Point, a church in Atlanta.  One of our guys at church snagged some of the leftover calendars they had.  It's been cool so far.  One day's challenge was to talk about your favorite Christmas memory.  One day you were supposed to have a picnic in front of the tree.  We are a little behind, go figure.  So, tonight we combined two to catch up.  We had a take out pizza dinner in the living room in front of the tree while watching a Christmas movie.  Now, that sounds like a great night to me.  Some pizza and breadsticks with some garlic butter dip paired with a movie and my girls!  What could go wrong?

As we were getting settled into the picnic, we started discussing whether to watch Home Alone, the classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas, or A Muppet Christmas Carol.  The Muppets won the discussion.  In went the DVD and on to the movie we went.  I should have known better.  Let me explain.

My daughter, Hannah, will turn 9 years old next month.  She is very mature for her age.  And that's not just a proud dad talking.  She is a smart, well adjusted kid...except when it comes to movies.  When she was growing up, we watched lots of cartoons.  She watched Dora and the Backyardigans and all those great shows.  But, not movies.  Movies had too much angst and emotion.  One of the first movies she ever saw was Cinderella.  Now, I know what you are thinking.  That's a great movie for kids.  Its a classic!  Not for my kid.  When the wicked sisters came in and tore up Cinderella's dress before the ball, my daughter screamed and cried.  When she watched Lilo and Stitch, she did the same thing, in addition to standing on the couch while shouting "Get away from her!" at the bad guys at the top of her lungs.  At The Lorax, she sobbed for awhile when the Lorax went up into the sky.  Steph says she cried the entire way through Happy Feet. 

As I said, she is almost 9 now.  I figured she had adjusted to society and the angst of cinema.  We watch Cops all the time.  A Muppet Christmas Carol should be no problem at all.  Was I wrong.  By the end of the movie, my daughter is a sobbing mess.  She couldn't stop crying.  Even though the story resolved and all was well, the emotions of my little 9 year old had been shaken and the floodgates were open.  Needless to say, it took awhile for her to settle down.  It took her even longer to fall asleep, though the hot chocolate I made her after the movie probably didn't help.

I love the fact that my little girl has such a big emotion.  Soon after Tiny Tim was introduced in the movie last night, she was asking questions.  "Why does he walk with a cane?  Is he going to get better?"  She's like that with most things.  I think it is a good thing.  There is much compassion that runs through her.  I want that to stay alive in her.  Yet, I wonder how she is going to handle the world as she grows up and realizes that its a worse place with much more pain and anguish than Cinderella or Scrooge.  Should I desensitize her with more Christmas movies like Home Alone (the old man is scary) and cause her controlled emotional anguish or should I simply let her grow up in the harsh world one day at a time?

Beyond her, I wonder about myself.  How much emotion have I lost because of the environment I'm in?  Ministry is a place where you get to see people at their worst sometimes.  You grow calloused to what you see over time.  If you didn't, you would never be able to cope with the heart break.  What is the healthy balance?  Is there even a balance?  Should there be?  How are we to embody compassion and care through all the ugliness?

Maybe I'm simply seeing it wrong.  Maybe the challenge is to continually engage with the emotion of such things as movies and reality so we are continually feeling the emotions of hurt, compassion, and love so we can be the best we can through them.

God, give me the wisdom to know how to help my little girl grow up in a way that allows her heart to grow as big as it can with as few scars as necessary.

Powerball Fever

The dichotomy that we live in intrigues me.  Our country's finances are in dire straits.  We are on the edge of the fiscal cliff.  The economy has been in the tank for more than five years now.  Gas is still at $3.50 a gallon.  Twinkies have disappeared because of bankruptcy.  Yet, over the weekend, Americans spent almost $60,000,000,000 on stuff for the holidays.  Yes, that is 60 with a B for billion.  The following Monday they spent another $150,000,000.  And, now, because of powerball fever, they will probably spend another $100,000,000 today in hopes of picking the right numbers to win it big.

We don't have, yet we spend to make ourselves happy.  We don't have, yet we'll spend for the chance to have it all, no matter how bad the odds.  We are in debt, yet we continue to spend.  I realize that I'm in the middle of it, covered slightly in the mire.  While not being caught up in powerball fever, my soul still has a taste for more that I do not need.  I'm not as bad as others.  Not that that makes me any better. I am a mess.

We're all lost in something.  We have needs and wants that we think we are entitled to fill.  Maybe its not money for you.  Maybe its food, power, or sex.  There is a taste and a thirst for more.  We want more...we deserve more.  Do we?  Really?  How did we get to be this way?

Even more convoluted is how this mindset has worked its way into the good we want.  I want to be healthier.  I can do it, I know I can.  I have the capability of controlling what goes into my system, both quantity and quality.  I have the capability to get off of my butt and move my girth in an exercising fashion.  Yet, at the end of the day I find myself still in my sedentary position, filling my face with the comfort food of my choosing, because I am entitled.

In every way, shape, and form, we are a mess.  We are in need of saving.  We are in need of hope.  We need new hungers and new needs.  We need a new/renewed love.  In doing so, maybe we will exchange our entitlement and laziness for discipline and obedience. 

Lord, may we hunger and thirst more for you than we do for powerball fever.

Coffee With Jesus

I really enjoy this comic strip....Thank you, Radio Free Babylon.

The Clarence In Me...

My dad, Clarence, is a frugal and informed shopper.  If he were in the hunt for something specific, he would read, research, and call & question the local places that had what he wanted.  It would not be unheard of for him to drive all over northeast Ohio to test drive the latest musical keyboard or whatever he was after.

Once he knew exactly what he wanted, he would then turn to the mail order and discount catalogs, all of which he received regularly in the mail.  He would call one salesman and push for the lowest price.  Then, once he had his word, he would call the next salesman and play him against the first.  He always got what he wanted at the price he wanted, no matter how long it took him to acquire it.

I have much of this in my own being.  Maybe not to the degree that my father has it, but it is in me nonetheless.  When I want to purchase something, I'll research and look.  The amount of time this takes is shortened now because of the internet (who knows how tenacious my father would be now if he knew how to wield the power of Google and Amazon).  Yet, I'll still search, stew, decide to buy, search some more, him haw a little more, and then finally pull the trigger. . . which leads me to my current predicament.

A week ago tonight, someone broke into the church that I work at.  They made their way to our office wing and began their thievery by breaking out windows and having their way with the stuff in our offices.  When all was said and done, they left with many, many things, including computers, brand new televisions we were going to install the next day, my book bag full of wonderful things like my Lamy fountain pens, and my journal.  They even took my 32 ounce Nalgene bottle.

Now, one would think that with insurance money, replacing what was stolen would be a cinch.  This is not the case with the blood of Clarence running through my body.  It has been a huge struggle for me to decide what to buy on some of the purchases I have made.  Sure, some things were easy, replace my ipad with the ipad that is equal to what was stolen and available.  No brainer.  Laptop?  Buy what is comparable and new.  The challenge has come in extras.  Here is a little bit of the internal conversation in my head:

The new laptop needs a new case to go on it.  Which color should I buy?  A clear one?  An orange one?  I just don't know.  One of the fountain pens that was stolen was a limited edition.  I can't find it anywhere.  So, what should I replace it with?  Should I buy a pen that will be the color of the ink in the pen?  Maybe the pen should match the color of the laptop case.  I really liked the orange laptop case....but I can't find the pen in orange.  Ok, the orange one is out....

Its rather painful how much of a mess I am.  I think the worst I have been involves my new ipad case.  I loved my old ipad and the case it was in.  It was perfect.  I provided great protection for my ipad and made it easy to use it wherever I was at and no matter how I was sitting.  They don't make that ipad case for my new ipad.  Now I'm on a quest.  I started with the smart cover by Apple.  I really liked how cool it was and how it looked and acted.  Yet, when I laid in bed last night reading, it was awkward to hold and use.  It wasn't my old ipad case.  Needless to say, that case got returned and I purchased two more this evening.  They are going back tomorrow, probably accompanied by the computer backpack I bought yesterday.  Though, its growing on me, till tomorrow morning when I use it to carry my junk back to the office.

The Clarence in me did win a little last night.  I ordered a lime green computer case, along with a Lamy lime green fountain pen.  How did I make the decision?  I've had both of the brands and styles before.  They were no brainers.  Help me Jesus!