My blogging is a lot like my journaling. I started journaling a long, long time ago. I used to use simple notebooks with the spiral wire down the side of them. At some point I graduated up to actual hardback journals, and from there, the Moleskine. I try to sit down every day or two to converse with the pen and paper, writing down my thoughts, my struggles, and my prayers. Sometimes I do well and I have a good stretch of writing. Other times I go weeks at a time without writing.
A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out a drawer in my office and came across all my old journals. They dated back to the early/mid 90s. I read my thoughts a few days before I got married. As I read, I remembered where and when I wrote it. As I looked through all the journals, I came to notice some patterns, just like one could see if they read my blog. I'm inconsistent. I'm always whining about not having time, I'm always wanting more.
As I read, it felt like I am no farther along in my walk, faith, life than I was back in the 90s. Sure, I understand that I've done things. I've grown spiritually (and physically). I've had a positive influence on people in their lives. But, as I read, I couldn't help but ask the question, "What more could you have done if you hadn't been distracted, overly busy, or had you simply put your priorities in a different order?"
In the last year or so, I've been having these types of thoughts. What more could you have done? When I hit the 10 year mark here at South there was lots of these thoughts. Ok. You did some things, but what more should you have done? When I turned 40 last August more of those thoughts bubbled to the surface. I don't know that I dealt with them, other than thinking, "You can't go back and change things."
Unfortunately, thinking that didn't stop the thoughts from coming. They have seemed to press in on me and frustrate me. The past, that I can't change, grips me and at times paralyzes me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you relate?
As a minister, my goal in life is to help others realize the presence of God around them. I believe that in all things, we can see God if we choose. I think we can show God in all we do, if we choose. The point in that is that its our choice to see and live the Kingdom of God in us and around us. The kick here is, if we choose.
Here's where it gets serious. What happens when one who feels he is called to do this, gets lost in the past, gets lost in the busy-ness and can't see what it is he's challenging others to see and live? What happens? You get almost nothing. You get more thoughts of "What more could you have done?" You get the timidity. You get frustration. You get a big fat mess.
This is how I have felt on and off the last few years. I've tried to take it on myself. I've won the battle sometimes. I've faked my way through it at other times. All in all, I find myself wanting more, wanting to do more, wanting to be more, yet not being able to do anything.
Last week I traveled to Atlanta, GA to attend the Catalyst Conference. The theme this year was To Be Known. The big picture idea is that to be known by God fills our need for approval, gives us hope in the Kingdom, and helps us make sense of our messes. Of all the speakers I heard that week, there were four that really chiseled on my soul and situation. I don't have the time or space to lay all of them out here. I wish I did. They are messages that I think everyone should hear. Instead, I'm going to give a conglomeration of their talks.
God created and wanted to create. He created us in the image of himself. We are creations of God with a NATURE created by God to display God's NATURE--greatness, beauty, and worth. Our identity is made in displaying God's greatness and worth. That means God knows me. He knew me before I was made. He wants me to understand what it means to be known and how that reshapes how I live--to display His NATURE in my life.
At times though, as I talked about above, we lose sight of why we were created and what our purpose is. We get it. We understand it. But, we forget it. We lose our identity, a lot like the prodigal son. He chose to squander his identity and being. He went and lived the life he wanted to live to the fullest. In the end, he realized what he wanted was empty. He wanted to return to his family and simply be a servant. Yet, when his father saw him returning, they threw a party and danced, because the son had returned. The father put the son back in his place, as a son, not a servant. God wants us to realize that if we continually return to him and seek him, he will restore us...just as he illustrated in the story of Hosea, having Hosea go and buy back his wife and make her his wife again. God wants to restore us to our created NATURE--to glorify him. That nature is fed through learning more about his nature and reveling in his nature.
In all of this we have a shift in life--I've had a shift. Our eyes are opened and our living is empowered. As God calls us to dance and live our rightful place, as sons and daughters, He helps us to let go of the past. "...the old is gone, the new is here" (2 Corinthians 5:17). He's calling us to live! In our living, we realize the opportunities we still have. If a jar of marbles represents the weeks of life you have with family, friends, your church, and so on, you come to realization that looking back caused you to focus on the empty space in the jar, what has already been done, rather than in the marbles left, what is yet to come--the space of life that you still have to live out God's NATURE.
A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out a drawer in my office and came across all my old journals. They dated back to the early/mid 90s. I read my thoughts a few days before I got married. As I read, I remembered where and when I wrote it. As I looked through all the journals, I came to notice some patterns, just like one could see if they read my blog. I'm inconsistent. I'm always whining about not having time, I'm always wanting more.
As I read, it felt like I am no farther along in my walk, faith, life than I was back in the 90s. Sure, I understand that I've done things. I've grown spiritually (and physically). I've had a positive influence on people in their lives. But, as I read, I couldn't help but ask the question, "What more could you have done if you hadn't been distracted, overly busy, or had you simply put your priorities in a different order?"
In the last year or so, I've been having these types of thoughts. What more could you have done? When I hit the 10 year mark here at South there was lots of these thoughts. Ok. You did some things, but what more should you have done? When I turned 40 last August more of those thoughts bubbled to the surface. I don't know that I dealt with them, other than thinking, "You can't go back and change things."
Unfortunately, thinking that didn't stop the thoughts from coming. They have seemed to press in on me and frustrate me. The past, that I can't change, grips me and at times paralyzes me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Can you relate?
As a minister, my goal in life is to help others realize the presence of God around them. I believe that in all things, we can see God if we choose. I think we can show God in all we do, if we choose. The point in that is that its our choice to see and live the Kingdom of God in us and around us. The kick here is, if we choose.
Here's where it gets serious. What happens when one who feels he is called to do this, gets lost in the past, gets lost in the busy-ness and can't see what it is he's challenging others to see and live? What happens? You get almost nothing. You get more thoughts of "What more could you have done?" You get the timidity. You get frustration. You get a big fat mess.
This is how I have felt on and off the last few years. I've tried to take it on myself. I've won the battle sometimes. I've faked my way through it at other times. All in all, I find myself wanting more, wanting to do more, wanting to be more, yet not being able to do anything.
Last week I traveled to Atlanta, GA to attend the Catalyst Conference. The theme this year was To Be Known. The big picture idea is that to be known by God fills our need for approval, gives us hope in the Kingdom, and helps us make sense of our messes. Of all the speakers I heard that week, there were four that really chiseled on my soul and situation. I don't have the time or space to lay all of them out here. I wish I did. They are messages that I think everyone should hear. Instead, I'm going to give a conglomeration of their talks.
God created and wanted to create. He created us in the image of himself. We are creations of God with a NATURE created by God to display God's NATURE--greatness, beauty, and worth. Our identity is made in displaying God's greatness and worth. That means God knows me. He knew me before I was made. He wants me to understand what it means to be known and how that reshapes how I live--to display His NATURE in my life.
At times though, as I talked about above, we lose sight of why we were created and what our purpose is. We get it. We understand it. But, we forget it. We lose our identity, a lot like the prodigal son. He chose to squander his identity and being. He went and lived the life he wanted to live to the fullest. In the end, he realized what he wanted was empty. He wanted to return to his family and simply be a servant. Yet, when his father saw him returning, they threw a party and danced, because the son had returned. The father put the son back in his place, as a son, not a servant. God wants us to realize that if we continually return to him and seek him, he will restore us...just as he illustrated in the story of Hosea, having Hosea go and buy back his wife and make her his wife again. God wants to restore us to our created NATURE--to glorify him. That nature is fed through learning more about his nature and reveling in his nature.
In all of this we have a shift in life--I've had a shift. Our eyes are opened and our living is empowered. As God calls us to dance and live our rightful place, as sons and daughters, He helps us to let go of the past. "...the old is gone, the new is here" (2 Corinthians 5:17). He's calling us to live! In our living, we realize the opportunities we still have. If a jar of marbles represents the weeks of life you have with family, friends, your church, and so on, you come to realization that looking back caused you to focus on the empty space in the jar, what has already been done, rather than in the marbles left, what is yet to come--the space of life that you still have to live out God's NATURE.
Catalyst was everything I needed and more. It really helped me frame some things that I knew, but had forgotten or couldn't see because of where I am. God loves me. He wants me to engage in him. The way to draw me out is to find my joy in Him again and push forward in my feeding on Scripture and reading. In doing so, I will allow him to lead forward. I needed to hear the messages that people like John Piper, Reggie Joiner, Jud Whilhite, and Judah Smith shared. I needed to realize that I was looking at my life through the eyes of the older brother, rather than seeing that the Father wanted me to not allow the past to shape who I was. Rather he wanted me to dance and revel in the fact that he still sees me as a son. I needed to realize that its not about the past, its about the opportunities I still have left--the marbles I still leave in my jar.
I need to get over the past…the things that I can't change. I need to love with reckless abandon right now. I need to lead right now. I need to do everything I can to put good time in on the things that I think matter. I need to learn how to deal with urgent and important so I can focus on the stuff that makes my heart sing--the important, yet un-urgent. it needs to become my urgent!
A few nights ago, when I was laying in bed, I felt the urge to write myself a letter. As I laid their and thought, it went something like this....
Hey moron,
Remember this. Yes, you are 41. Yes, you have lots of regrets. There is lots more you could have done if you had not allowed yourself to be distracted from the life you had been called to live. You've lost focus on the one thing at times. And, in all of that, you've allowed yourself to become a reactor rather than a catalyst. You shouldn't be focused on the past anymore, other than to allow you to push forward from it--to use it as motivation to engage in life and do something more than you have in your last 41 years. You still have a lot of life left. Its time to get busy. Its time to get serious. Its time to lead those around you. Its time to be the light that God has called you to be. You want to do this. You need to do this. Not so that people will remember you and how you led, rather so that they will be moved closer to the father…so they will know what it looks like to LIVE as the lost son who was found. Learn to be still again. Learn to be bold again. Learn to love recklessly. Take others on this journey with you. Help them to understand this, "worshipping Him with my life". You understand it. You know what it is. You can do it. Do it and help others do it. God will take care of everything else.
Worshipping Him with my life,
Yourself
Let us live and be known!
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