Sidetracked

As I sit in my office trying to work on the message I am going to give tomorrow at South, I frequently (probably all too frequently) take breaks after some time.  About an hour ago I checked yahoo and saw a headline that read, Showing Prostitutes the Rings of Saturn.  I was drawn in.  Seems like a good idea to me...giving people who are hurting and lost and a glimpse of the the beauty and immensity of God's creation.  I clicked through to see the article.  I was not ready for what I was about to see.

The byline of the article talked about a guy, Chris Arnade, who shoots photos of people in NYC.  I clicked through to his Flickr feed and ended up losing the last hour or more.  I was drawn in by the stories of the people he was photographing...hookers, addicts, and people who live in the macrocosm of NYC.  There was depth of hurt in their stories, stories of rape, abuse, and hopelessness.  Many of them knew they were in a bad place and wanted out, yet could not step away from the pull of the addictions they were dealing with.  His images were filled with such heartbreak.

Now my head is swirling filled with empathy for the distant faces in the pictures. As I clicked through image after image and read story after story, I thought of this question: What faces and stories are here close to me in Lansing and in Detroit?

And then I had this thought.  Would you even notice them?  Do you even care?  If you did notice them, what would you do?

Understand where I am at right now...I have been very reflective lately.  Maybe its because I turn 41 in a few weeks.  Maybe its because I feel like I never make and progress on the work that I have to do.  Maybe its me being envious of opportunities that others have gotten I wish I had.  Maybe its this message on the 10 Commandments that I've been chewing on for days and weeks now.  Whatever it is has had me continually asking the question, "What have you really done?"  And, shortly after that question comes, "What could you have done?" and "What should you have done?"

There is a scene at the end of Schindler's List where Oskar Schindler comes to the realization that he could have saved many more lives.  He becomes fully aware that he has been frivolous with his life.  He makes the statement, "This pin...two people.  This car...10 people."  He is overcome with emotion.

This is where I feel I am.  I'm half way through my life.  What have I done?  Have I attained my dreams?  What do I have to show for 41 years of life?  What do I have to show for 13 years of full time ministry?  What do I need to change?  How do I need to change?  What things in my life need to change?  Its a very tiring place to be.

Understand, I'm not looking for a pity party for Wally here.  I'm not looking for you to tell me all the good things I've done.  I know that if I were to compare my life to others, I could be proud of where I am and who I am.  I know that God has used my life in good ways.  Yet, I've gotten in the way all too often of what He has wanted to do.  I've not had the moxie to say things I should have said or to do things I should have done.  I've missed opportunities with life and wasted a lot of time on dumb things.  What time I haven't wasted, I've done ok things, always feeling that I could have done them better.

I have squandered a lot of life.

As I type this blog I realize I am not much different than the people in the pictures...full of hope, yet hopeless.  Yearning for change, yet too afraid to take the first step.  I know what I need to do and I have the power and ability to do it, yet I choose to sit still most of the time.

I don't want to sit still anymore.  There is too much living to be done.  I don't want to waste my life.  It is not my life to waste.

I waited till the end, here, to give you the link to the flickr feed.  Look at your own risk.  The images are painful and the hurt can be seen and read.  Don't just look and move on.  Allow the images to haunt you.  Allow them to challenge your heart and your life.  There are faces like this close to you wherever you are at.  We are called, as the church, to be people who show prostitutes the rings of Saturn and the other wonders of God.

Here is the Flickr Feed.