Wide Awake

It's 4:00am. I'm wide awake and already in the office.--I've been here for a half an hour already. I slept some. Steph woke me up when she came to bed at 2am. I couldn't fall back to sleep after that. It's not the first restless night I've had this week. There have been many.

It all began Monday night. Actually, it started way before that, but the restless nights began Monday night. On Monday night, the elders of the church I serve were very critical of me for things that have happened and not happened in the last few months. Some of their critiques were fair and warranted. Some were off base. I will be the first to admit that not is all as it should be in the ministries I oversee here. Some of it is my fault, some of it is not. Though, I don't think they totally see what I see. I tried to explain so they might understand, but I believe I came off whiny and confused.

There are so many more layers of this situation that I could go into, but this is not the right place to do so. I can say that I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness and being unloved very hard since Monday. The night before last I was almost completely numb to my ministry, God, and everything else around me. Thoughts of bailing out of ministry were constantly running through my mind, along with the conversations that happened during the elders meeting. I was playing them over and over trying to understand where the criticism was coming from--trying to figure out how I could fix it. I've cried more in the last couple of days because of all of this than I can remember. When people close to me have tried to give me encouragement, I have struggled to hold back the tears. I was on the verge.

Luckily, yesterday was much different. I began to realize that I still have worth. I know that God finds worth in my ministry. I believe there is still much to do here at South. I believe I can accomplish what the elders have set before me, even though I don't believe it is totally fair. So I sit here wide awake, ready to watch the sunrise and live a new day with new hope. Wide awake for the life and work that is still left to do.

Dean Trune, a member here at South and the leader of Impact Ministries International, continually talks about God waking him up in the middle of the night. He'll wake up on a regular basis in these pre-dawn hours and find himself sitting with God's Word and his journal, listening, seeking, and wanting. God has given him some amazing things in those times. I believe God wouldn't let me sleep tonight so I would get these thoughts out of my head and continue the realizations that began yesterday.

I'm here Lord, wide awake and ready to go.